I'm about to do something STUPID.
I did something incredibly stupid this time last year, and I enjoyed it so much that I'm about to do it again.
"What is this stupid thing you did," I can hear all of you (okay, two of you) asking. "Did you get an unfortunate tattoo in a hard to cover spot on your body?" No... "Did you sign a pact with the devil, promising him your first-born child in exchange for rock-hard abs?" Um... no... "Did you ride 500 miles on a bald pony over sharp rocks and broken glass to the disheveled hut of a mad old crone, in the hopes of finding therein a magic potion that could make you a god among men, only to be tricked by the evil witch and left a broken wart-covered shell of a human being?" Jesus, no... What's wrong with you people?
What I did in fact do, was run nearly-nude from the relative safety of a beach into the icy arms of the frozen bay. And I'm doing it again. And so, my friends, are you.
Well, in a manner of speaking.
What I'm talking about is the tenth annual Polar Bear Plunge. This is that thing you all hear about on the news where a few thousand people run into the freezing water to raise money for charity. The charity here in my home state is the Special Olympics Of Maryland. My buddy Chris (amazing nature photographer... check him out) talked me into doing it last year, and it was awesome. Except, replace "awesome" with "kind of horrible and freezing, but afterwards leaving a warm feeling in my heart."
Here, just so none of you think I'm full of shit, is my account of last year's plunge:
Everybody believe me now? Good. Now try to scrub the image of tubby Wombat in his swim trunks from your minds long enough for me to explain the part where you come in.
I don't just do this because I love freezing my balls off, people, I do this to raise some dough for a good cause. I need you fine internet citizens to sponsor me. I'm not asking for a lot of dough here. Just look deep into your heart and ask yourselves "how much would I be willing to pay for even more photographic evidence of Wombat making a complete ass of himself?" 10 dollars? 20 dollars? more? Let me up the ante a bit. This year I have convinced Sally to run into the glacier-water with me. That's twice the bang for your buck!
Um, no, we're not going to actually... um... bang. At least, not while the cameras are snapping away. That was a figure of speech.
Okay, here's the deal. The Plunge is in about three weeks, on Jan 28. If I have moved any of you to get involved, all you have to do is click this link right here. You'll go to the Polar Plunge's website. There, click on the "sponsor plunger" button, and enter my name, (my real name) John Baker. If there's more than one of me, I'm the one from Baltimore, MD. You can sponsor me from the warmth and comfort of your own office chair, using a credit card or paypal. For those of you who would rather support Sal, enter her name, Sally Kervin.
I'm going to thank any of you who decide to donate in advance. It's a really worthy cause. Any of you balti-bloggers should come out to watch the plunge. It's a lot of fun. I'll be posting pictures of the whole thing on here at the end of the month for everyone to enjoy, but suffice it to say that those who donate will be able to enjoy the pics a little more, not having all that crushing guilt to fight through.
"What is this stupid thing you did," I can hear all of you (okay, two of you) asking. "Did you get an unfortunate tattoo in a hard to cover spot on your body?" No... "Did you sign a pact with the devil, promising him your first-born child in exchange for rock-hard abs?" Um... no... "Did you ride 500 miles on a bald pony over sharp rocks and broken glass to the disheveled hut of a mad old crone, in the hopes of finding therein a magic potion that could make you a god among men, only to be tricked by the evil witch and left a broken wart-covered shell of a human being?" Jesus, no... What's wrong with you people?
What I did in fact do, was run nearly-nude from the relative safety of a beach into the icy arms of the frozen bay. And I'm doing it again. And so, my friends, are you.
Well, in a manner of speaking.
What I'm talking about is the tenth annual Polar Bear Plunge. This is that thing you all hear about on the news where a few thousand people run into the freezing water to raise money for charity. The charity here in my home state is the Special Olympics Of Maryland. My buddy Chris (amazing nature photographer... check him out) talked me into doing it last year, and it was awesome. Except, replace "awesome" with "kind of horrible and freezing, but afterwards leaving a warm feeling in my heart."
Here, just so none of you think I'm full of shit, is my account of last year's plunge:
Everybody believe me now? Good. Now try to scrub the image of tubby Wombat in his swim trunks from your minds long enough for me to explain the part where you come in.
I don't just do this because I love freezing my balls off, people, I do this to raise some dough for a good cause. I need you fine internet citizens to sponsor me. I'm not asking for a lot of dough here. Just look deep into your heart and ask yourselves "how much would I be willing to pay for even more photographic evidence of Wombat making a complete ass of himself?" 10 dollars? 20 dollars? more? Let me up the ante a bit. This year I have convinced Sally to run into the glacier-water with me. That's twice the bang for your buck!
Um, no, we're not going to actually... um... bang. At least, not while the cameras are snapping away. That was a figure of speech.
Okay, here's the deal. The Plunge is in about three weeks, on Jan 28. If I have moved any of you to get involved, all you have to do is click this link right here. You'll go to the Polar Plunge's website. There, click on the "sponsor plunger" button, and enter my name, (my real name) John Baker. If there's more than one of me, I'm the one from Baltimore, MD. You can sponsor me from the warmth and comfort of your own office chair, using a credit card or paypal. For those of you who would rather support Sal, enter her name, Sally Kervin.
I'm going to thank any of you who decide to donate in advance. It's a really worthy cause. Any of you balti-bloggers should come out to watch the plunge. It's a lot of fun. I'll be posting pictures of the whole thing on here at the end of the month for everyone to enjoy, but suffice it to say that those who donate will be able to enjoy the pics a little more, not having all that crushing guilt to fight through.
posted by CommonWombat at 3:07 PM
18 Comments:
I'll sponsor you, but with a twist. I want to buy space on you. I'll pay you so I can own part of your exposed body for that day.
I'll pay you 10$ to write "Bonersaurus" on your arm (wrist to shoulder). I'd also like to see a picture of the same during the day in question.
What do you say?
Speaking of bones - I threw you one. And Sally is kicking your ass in donations! Too bad it wasn't today with 60+ degree weather!
Yeah, judging by the donation totals for you and Mrs. Wombat, it's clear that people trust her more. I'm not sure if they think you're going to chicken out at the last minute, drown once you get in there, or take the donation money and buy a black market Taiwanese slave boy. Either way, I disagree with them. I trust YOU more. This Sally character seems suspicious to me, if for no other reason than that she married you. Creepy.
Anyway, I made a donation under your name. The amount I donated is so large that, frankly, I'm embarassed to tell you what it is. Okay, that was a lie. My donation amount was a paltry sum, and not nearly enough to justify the massive heart attack and quick death you are absolutely 100% guaranteed to have upon hitting that water. (Just because you escaped death last year doesn't mean you will this year.) But it's nice that you're going to die in the name of charity. I mean, your death isn't going to help anyone or cure any disease, so really, it'll all be in vain. And you're not going to heaven just for doing this one charitable act after the lifetime-full of atrocities you've committed. But anyway, it's better to die this way than on the toilet like Elvis, which is how I always envisioned your death.
As I am a charitable soul--and your better half has both a smaller total and is closer to said total, I am making a substantial donation to your cause.
Kudos for risking life, limb, and potential hypothermia for a good cause!
Two words: Exorbitant shrivellage.
Good luck in this endeavor, and may your nuts NOT retract all the way to the back of your throat from the icy cold water.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go duct tape down my nipples as they reflexively popped out like a Perdue Done It pop up timer as I thought of how cold that ice chippy water must be like on your delicate skin.
I think it's appropriate that this charity is for the Special Olympics because anyone who chooses to run into that freezing water is, as we say in Boston, WICKED RETAAAHDED.
What I want to know is, what are you doing to Chris' ass in that photo to cause him to expell that cloud of steam?
By the way, when I say your early death won't help or save anyone, I should clarify that your participation in this charity event certainly WILL help and possibly save people. It's just your subsequent death will be in vain.
But it'll give us all a good laugh, anyway.
ACW - I won't do it, but not for the reason you're thinking. It's just that there's going to be kids there and I don't want anyone feeling I'm out there offending children. I'll offend the adults, no problem. Just not the kids. Here's my counter-offer: Raise your donation to 25 bucks, come up with something non-potentially-offensive, and I'll do it.
BROADSHEET - Thanks for sponsoring me!!! My dad lives in northern Florida, and he tells me they just had their polar bear plunge down there. IN NORTHERN FUCKING FLORIDA. The water temp was something like 62 degrees. I fail to see the point. That being said, if we continue like we have been here in Baltimore, we could very well have a balmy Plunge this year.
KARLA - Oh man, if I DO die, you're going to feel so bad. For a second or two. Then you'll probably shoot up and forget you ever knew me. Thanks for the donation, though, and the um... encouragement.
JASON - Oh you are the man. Seriously. And I'd like to pay you back. I hereby order all the classy ladies who read my blog to immediately do Jason J Thomas, and do him so vigourously that he never fully recovers, and requires the use of a walker for the rest of his days. Wait. Does Sally read this blog? Not you, Sal. The rest of you, get to work.
TFG - The cool thing is that neither of your two words is a word. That makes you okay in my book. Because my book is full of non-words.
NUGGET - Last time I did it I'm pretty sure there was FULL INVERSION. I'll pay better attention and include a special "State of my package" report this time.
PAUL - Um... So, instead of donating some money you MOCK THE RETARDED? Classy. I know where you live, buddy.
PEOPLE WHO DONATED BUT DIDN"T COMMENT HERE - Thank you. Seriously. Thank you.
You're worried about offending children? You were emailing me kiddie porn for months before I had to get a restraining order. Hypocrite.
*sigh*
Fine, 25 beans and I'll work on something non-"offensive" as you put it. I'll donate when I get paid this Friday.
i'll pay you later.
really.
and i expect full on documentation.
(thanks for the card!)
Wow, a payback offered by the commonwombat. Of course, the payback implies classy women read this blog, and well..... ;-)
All kidding aside, I appreciate the gesture. Nonetheless, I was glad to make a donation.
I'm happy to donate to a charity that uses frozen Wombats to do their bidding. I hope there are lots of photos posted of the Wombatsickle. I shivver for you.
[Best Homer Simpson inner-dialogue voice:] Mmmmmm, FULL INVERSION!!
Wait! I'll donate $35 if you write "I got Buseyed" in plain sight. $35. And I want pictures.
my god. i love this tradition! i wish i knew about it sooner - i never, ever have a reason to break out my bikini in January.
next year?
i know where you live.
post soon or i'm coming to get you.
Jen said...
I agree with Paul. What did you do? Did you fart in his mouth? If so, what was the flavor? I want to know dammit!
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