Saturday, December 10, 2005

This Shit Has Got To Stop.

Okay kids, Uncle Wombat's in the mood to crap all over your parade, so those of you who cry easily may just want to turn away now. Click on that "Next Blog" button in the upper right corner of the screen and go read someone's entry on "34 recipes that use yam shavings."

Okay. On to the curmudgeonly banning of things. Because, friends, there is some shit out there what needs some serious banning. And I am just the curmudgeon to do it.

Let's start with the word "Meh."

Seriously, all of you out there in blog-o-land knock that stupid shit off. "Meh" is the typing equivalent of shrugging your shoulders. "Today I wanted to go to the mall with Candace, but then she never called me. Meh."

There's 26 letters in the alphabet, plus a whole bunch of symbols and numbers, and they can be strung together in a nearly unlimited series of combinations to express virtually every feeling known to man. You went to all the trouble to learn English, get a computer and set yourself up with a blog all because you had this burning need to shrug at the internet? Come on.

I refuse to believe you can't do a better job of expressing yourself than "meh." Here, I'll give you an example. "Today I wanted to go to the mall with Candace, but then she never called me. Candace is a stupid whore and I hope she gets syphilis. Candace can go fuck herself."

What is the point of taking part in the great civic discourse if you're not actually going to say something? I hereby ban the use of the word "meh." Next person who "mehs" at me is getting socked in the nose. Or nosed in the sock. One of those.

While I'm banning useless and stupid internet idioms, let's also kiss "woot" goodbye. Same goes for ROTFLMAO. I'm going to let LOL slide, because let's face it: that one's a classic. I still think it's lazy writing, but you ban LOL and next you're banning Christmas. Some shit you just gotta live with. LOL stays.

ROTFLMAO (which is short for "rolling on the floor with my hand shoved elbow-deep up my ass" or something similar) is just fucking goofy though. You can't anagram an entire sentence. That way lies madness. Should we just save up on valuable bandwidth by blogging entirely in anagrams now? "December 12: TIWTGTTMWC, BTSNCM. M." Bullshit, I say. From now on, if you found something I said funny, and you want to tell me so, just take the time to actually type that shit out. I promise you won't get carpal tunnel from the strain of it.

Besides. I guarantee you that none of the people who type ROTFLMAO are actually rolling on the floor. Someone should make an anagram for "Sitting at my desk pretending you're funny."

Shit. I ran out of things to ban. That's like, what? 3 things? I was sure when I started I had more stuff to be pissy about. Oh well... I'm sure you commenters can add to the list. No banning me though. I'm hereby banning anyone banning me.

28 Comments:

Blogger kim said...

SMPYSF -- Shitting my pants, you're so funny!

I want to ban the word sycophant. Sure it's a word, but too many people are acting like it's a natural word for them -- I don't like it.

12:50 AM  
Blogger Malnurtured Snay said...

SAMDPYF!!!!!!!!!

2:23 AM  
Blogger Hillary said...

aw! I was looking forward to more bans!

... meh.

2:30 AM  
Anonymous SC said...

You're not crapping all over my parade there buddy, especially since I pretty much already wrote this post, although much more succinctly I think.

7:25 AM  
Blogger Bonanza JellyBean said...

I don't use the rotflmao....but I do use meh and w00t.

And I will always use them.

And there is nothing you can do about it.

NOTHING!


w00t!

10:05 AM  
Blogger leesepea said...

Giggle-wheeze-cough-snort-cough-cough-cough!

It's just wrong to make a sick person laugh. It just hurts too much.

Until I'm well enough to laugh out loud without inflicting pain on myself, I will be content to simply sit at my desk, pretending you're funny.

11:15 AM  
Blogger Melissa said...

Personally, I like ROTFLMPO. Which is "rolling on the floor laughing my pigu off" which a friend coined on my yahoo group waiting for our adoption paperwork. Pigu is "butt" in Chinese. And ... reason #245 that John Stamos can kiss my pigu ... I was standing ten feet away from Whoopie Goldberg while up in VT on Thanksgiving. She totally whoops John's pigu in my "I saw a celebrity" list.

3:57 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

um, if you have the power to ban, can you work on "aight" and "my bad", too? Seems like we make fun of ebonics and then we embrace it and make it our own. Never a good idea.

5:23 PM  
Blogger CommonWombat said...

DERPHANGUS: "Sycophant" is an awkward sounding word. I'm going ahead and banning it - unless you are using it to describe an ill pachyderm. However, I like the sound of "sycophantic," so that one stays. Sorry.

SC: I'm banning people who write MY posts more succinctly.

JELLYBEAN: Next "woot" I hear, and you're getting a visit from a very naked and very horny Gary Busey.

LEESEPEA: I'm banning illness. There! You are all better now.

AMY: Consider "Aight" officially banned. I cannot ban "my bad," though, because I say it all the time. My bad.

7:45 PM  
Blogger miss kendra said...

can we ban paris hilton?

i can give up meh for that.

i might have to throw an occasional woot your way though.

1:17 AM  
Blogger CommonWombat said...

KENDRA: People who send me awesome ornaments for my tree can have anyone banned they want. Paris Hilton, You are hereby banned.

1:25 AM  
Anonymous Jason J. Thomas said...

Admittedly, the usage of "w00t" has gotten too much play. Once the purview of the hax0r set, now every Tom, Dick, Jane, and Harry use it. I have stopped using it, but that's also because I am old.

As for "meh," nothing is more annoying than seeing that written. I think for everytime I see it on a blog I read, off the blogroll it goes. It's cousin "feh" needs to go the way of the dodo as well.

10:13 AM  
Blogger Thomas said...

You had me at "crap all over your parade."

11:27 AM  
Anonymous bekah said...

I can't believe people actually use "woot." I once typed "woo" and accidentally hit the t so it came out "woot." I'm sorry if my typo started the wooting trend.

12:24 PM  
Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

What the shit? You're going to let LOL slide but you can't stand "meh"? You short-bus riding, helmet-wearing drool-factory! You're going to allow the bastardization of "ha" but you can't stand "meh"? That's just fucking retarded.

4:43 PM  
Blogger CommonWombat said...

Okay, I'm banning Anonymous Coworker.

Shit. He makes me LOL.

Okay, you're un-banned. And for the record, I never wore a helmet.

5:53 PM  
Blogger gina said...

hey , just visiting. liked your post.
`but what about WTF? can we still use WTF? as in WTF~i have never heard of MEH have i been under an effin(my least favorite "abbreviation") tree??
I'll be back ......you make me wanna LOL>

9:43 PM  
Blogger pat said...

I hate you. I hate everything about you.

Not really. In fact, I was just trying to get your attention... You're waaaay too entertaining to hate, and frankly, I'll reluctantly admit that I just might love you. In the purely heterosexual sense, or course.

But the reason I wanted to get your attention in the first place, my dear Wombat sir, is because I am a huge fan of your profile picture. Where did you get it??? Did you make it yourself? Or do you simply have an army of prodigical Asian children in your basement, ready to integrate complicated mathematical equations and Photoshop pictures at your whim? If so, can they make me a profile picture?

Sincerely,
Pat

PS - Here's a ban for you... Those irritating folks with CED... That's Chronic Ellipses Disorder... for those of you not in the know...

12:30 AM  
Blogger pat said...

OK. Drats. Scratch that last comment. No sooner had I left it, did I click the link to your webpage. Not gonna lie -- I'm feeling somewhat disillusioned to find out that no legion of Asian children exists...

12:36 AM  
Anonymous fool said...

But... but...

I LIKE saying woot!

*pouts*

9:28 AM  
Anonymous Paul said...

Uh oh...someone's edging awfully close to Andy Rooney territory.

"You know what I hate?....MEH"

Seriously, anyone who meets Baker in person should ask for his Andy Rooney impersonation.

Then sniff his fingers.

3:11 PM  
Blogger undercover celebrity said...

Wombat, I gotta do it. I must also ban "poo" talk from blogville. Really, it's time. Consider it a new year's resolution forced upon you. :)

4:32 PM  
Blogger karla said...

Thank God 'woot' is gone. That was halfway cute the first time I saw it. After that, it made my teeth grind.

But you're dead wrong about LOL. That is just fucking irritating, and it was from the first time I saw it. But now I can't use it in the post I have half-written, in which I bitch about that and some other non-words. Thanks a lot, asshole. Quit hacking into my Blogger dashboard and stealing my ideas. Go back to writing about your ass.

Your translation of 'meh' in the Candace scenario was so funny I prolapsed my vagina laughing at it.

8:08 PM  
Blogger tfg said...

I think "prolapsed vaginas" have been banned. Regardless, I'll abide by Wombat's mandates, so long as the phrases like dildocracy and rumored salad tosser are left intact.

6:41 PM  
Blogger CommonWombat said...

I laughed so hard at "prolapsed my vagina" that I nearly physicaly inverted. Nothing Karla does or says will ever be banned. Karla gets a "get out of banning free" card.

Tfg, you get major points for "dildocracy." The mind boggles.

8:38 PM  
Blogger mrhaney said...

i think your so right on this wombat. i can't remember all that stuff any way. i am still struggling with the english language.

7:57 AM  
Blogger minwah said...

WTF. You don't like WTF?? Anything with F (meaning FUCK) in it SHOULD NOT be banned.

I think Karla is hilarious as well, and I'm VERY happy (LOL) that I made my way to your blog. I love your sense of humor!

Please try not to prolapse anything...and I also like rumored salad tosser.

ROTFLMFAO - but not really. You're right, I'm at my desk, so...RAMDLMFAO (Rolling around my desk.....)

2:52 PM  
Blogger oooh la la liz said...

fucking hilarious.

(god, i hope this doesn't give me carpal tunnel.)

6:01 PM  

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