Official Condemnation!!!

So today there was this huge suicide attack in Iraq, and 68 people were killed. (Those of you who smell a political rant coming on, try to un-clench. It won't be as bad as you think.) Now believe me, I get that this is a big deal, and I understand that's a high fucking body count. And I'm sympathetic. And angered. And troubled. And all the stuff I'm supposed to feel when a lot of innocent people get themselves blowed up.

Now, that being said...

Colin Powell... Well, let's quote CNN: "condemned the Baquba attack, calling it "an attempt by murderers to deny the Iraqi people their dream.""

A fine sentiment, I'm sure. But what I want to know is, why is it every time something terrible happens, the politicians and global leaders rush to condemn it? I don't know about you guys, but I was ready to assume that Colin Powell was generally against the blowing up of innocent people. It's not like I was waiting for Colin's response, going "Aw man, Colin loves when they do this! He's gonna come on TV and be all like YEAH DAWG! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT!!! BLOW EM ALL - what? He condemned it? Well damn. I sure didn't see that coming!"

I don;t know if you guys remember, but right after 9/11 all the Democrats and all the Republicans made a big show of coming out and condemning the attack together. I appreciate the show of solidarity gang, I really do. But again, I think condemning the 9/11 attacks was kind of a no-brainer. I doubt they had to take a vote in congress to see who was against the terrorist attacks. "All opposed to terrorism say aye... Okay, What do we got? Everybody but the gentlemen from Alaska and the lady from Kansas..."

Well you get the point. So here's my offer. To save myself a lot of time making public statements every time some shit goes down overseas, I'm giving all of you permission to assume I'm condemning of any public bombing, terrorist attacks, jihad propaganda, and the fact that they no longer make the Chocolate Malt Frap at Starbucks.

Got all that? Thanks. Celebrity marriages are still up for grabs though.

Farewell, Ray.

My next door neighbor, Ray Johnston, passed away late last night. I'm sure that a blog is a fairly lame place to eulogize someone, but this is the forum I have at my disposal, So here I go:

Ray was a sweet, kind man with a fantastic sense of humor. He had already lost both his legs to Diabetes by the time Sally and I met him. He had suffered a few minor strokes and had congestive heart failure, all of which made him a very sick, and fairly weak man. He had a very hard time moving himself from his bed to his wheelchair and frequently had to rely on other people (usually his wife, Elaine) to move him. Despite all this, 9 times out of 10 he had a smile on his face, and laughter in his heart. This was a guy that, when his wife was going to the store and asked if he needed anything, would reply, "Get me shoes!!!" and then wiggle his stumps at her.

The last few years were hard for ray, in and out of the hospital, more and more unable to take care of himself... I know it frustrated him to heel his independence slipping away like that. My lasting memory of his will be how he endured all of it, keeping his sense of humor intact. I was over there a week ago, and Ray was very weak. Elaine was fitting his oxygen tube on him so he could breathe better. When she was done, I noticed the little tubes that were supposed to deliver his oxygen were sitting outside of his nostrils. I reached over and fixed them. Ray looked up at me, smiled, nodded towards Elaine, and in a soft voice said "She's fired."

I'm really no good at encapsulating a person in words like this. He was a good guy and a good neighbor. He was the first person to welcome us to the neighborhood, and I truly hope that he is at peace now. He deserves it.

I had a dream this morning, after we had heard he passed away. I was standing above a hospital gurney, the kind the EMTs use in ambulances. Ray was lying on it. He opened his eyes and looked at me and, in a voice with no trace of fear, asked me "Where are we going?" I told him, "Don't worry and don't be afraid. Everything's going to be fine. You're going to get your legs back." With that he got a big smile on his face and faded away.

So Ray, wherever you are right now, I hope you're running around. Or dancing. And I hope you know how very much you will be missed.

I've been living a lie.

I have a confession to make. For years now, my entire existance has been predicated on a sham. I've attemped to be someone I'm not, and it's time for me to come clean.

Ever since I was a little child, when people asked me what my favorite color was, I said "Yellow."

Now, let the awful truth be known:

A) I have no special affinity towards the color yellow.
B) I have no favorite color at all.

I don't know what posessed me to say "Yellow" all these years! Perhaps I felt pressured to come up with an answer, any answer, that would get my inquisitors off my back... Perhaps I liked the way the word "Yellow" looked, or sounded... All I know is that I have never, not once in 31 years, looked at something yellow and thought to myself "Look! There's my FAVORITE color!!!" In fact, I've never thought that while looking at ANYTHING! Because color is not an area where I have formed any favoritism whatsoever!

I will admit to having formed opinions about how 2 colors look together. I'll cop to that. But how well 2 colors play together has no bearing on whether one is the "best color ever..."

And besides... The more disturbing aspect of this confession is this: When faced with the prospect of coming up with a sham answer to the stupid question "what is your favorite color,: my choice was YELLOW??? The school bus color? The color of cheap pencils and buttercups? What was wrong with me? Red would have been a much better choice! Red is racy and daring! Yellow is... margarine!

Oh well... Now I have to live with the consequenses of my lie. At least I feel better, having gotten that off my chest.

Suspicious activity abounds...

One of two things are happening:

1) My neighbors across the street are running some kind of complicated drug-dealing ring

2) I'm turning into one of those paranoid lunatics who spends all his time peering out his windows, seeing phantom conspiracies.

Or both could be true, I suppose.

I'm seeing a lot of suspicious activity though... Now that I'm working from home, I spend a lot of time upstairs in my studio where I have a view of the street and the houses across the way. I've discovered that during the day, when all the yuppies are away at work, my neighborhood is taken over by creepy, shifty people.

Well, most of them are probably fine upstanding folk. But a few of them? Creepy and shifty.

Some of these aforementioned creepy and shifty dudes have taken standing out on the corner late at night (and during the day, come to think of it), furtively glancing around, like they are keeping an eye out for "the fuzz" or something... Then a car pulls up, they hop in, the car circles the block, comes back and drops them off...

Am I going crazy, or does that sound like a drug deal?

Maybe it's just a couple of okay guys who like taking really short rides with their friends. I dunno. But I'm watching. And I see all...

(insert maniacal laughter here.)