How I spent my fall vacation

As many of you know, I had the chance this weekend to spend some time with one of my very favorite people on Earth. Instead, I visited Karla and the small group of trained actors she refers to as her "family." I've met Karla before, but that was only for a few hours. This time I actually spent an entire weekend locked up with her, and let me tell you, it was an educational experience. Let me share with you some of the things I learned:

1) Karla does not fit in a toy car.

I don't know why she felt that she needed to get into the toy car in the first place. Karla is very child-like, and by "child-like," I mean "retarded." It's not like she had anywhere to go, as the device strapped to her ankle starts beeping the minute she steps out the front door... (If she makes it as far as the edge of her lawn she is immediately set upon by 3 Dallas SWAT members and a posse of attack dogs. Boy do I wish I'd gotten pictures of that. Go figure that the one time this weekend she decided to violate the terms of her house arrest and make a break for it, I had "accidentally" left my camera phone hidden behind a few carefully placed washcloths in her shower. Damn.)

Anyway, as you can see here, while there are many things that Karla does fit into, (such as a jail cell, the trunk of a '72 Ford LTD and a series of small plastic coolers - Some dissasembly required for that last one...) she does not really fit into a child's toy car. Also, once she was in there she found that she could not get out. She was still wedged in the car when I left. For all I know, she's still in there now, which is bound to make her pilates class interesting.



2) Karla posesses a working uterus.

I haven't actually got any personal knowledge of her uterus, nor do I have any pictures of it, (stop looking so dissapointed!) but I have seen, first-hand, what comes out of it. No, I'm not talking about the bloody discharge, although there certainly was plenty of that smeared all over her house. I'm refering to her son Jake, who I can now confirm is a living breathing person and not an elaborate photoshop-generated ruse.



I have nothing bad to say about Jake. He is sweet, wonderful and adorable. Which makes it all the more bizzare that he should come from Karla, who posesses none of those qualities. I enjoyed Jake so much that several times during my visit I found myself wishing Brian and Karla would just leave so I could enjoy some time with the only articulate and interesting person in the house. Also, Jake poops in his pants, which makes you okay in my book any day.

3) Karla is a master of photoshop.

You've all seen the pictures of her that she spends all day judiciously plastering all over the internet, and you've all had the same thought that I had: "What a pretty girl."

While I can still neither confirm or deny Karla's gender, I can say one thing without a doubt. All of those photos are heavily doctored. Karla (or someone in her employ) must posess an unbelievable degree of mastery in Photoshop, because when I say the pictures are doctored, I don't mean they are touched-up a little bit. I've been working in Photoshop for 10 years and I don't think I could pull off this kind of photo manipulation. Karla looks absolutely nothing like the pictures you have seen on her blog. She must spend hours upon hours working on these photos to make sure that no trace of her real face ever makes it out to the public eye. The effort is, quite frankly, astonishing. Even the picture above, with her in the baby car, turned out doctored. All I can guess is that she stole my camera phone when I wasn't looking and altered the pictures.

What she doesn't know is that I was able to get away with one photo that she didn't know about, and now present to you, the internet public, the only known completely un-doctored picture of Karla in existance. (Kids, look away now!)



Sorry, Internet, but the truth had to be told.