Muchos Grouchy-Ass!!!
The first thing I do after I dismount the toilet is to turn around and have a post-grump stool inspection.
I lead with that sentence so that you all (and by "you all" I mean the 6 people that still read this blog) will know without a shadow of a doubt that we are once again careening headlong into the dark recesses of my ass. I'm aware that this surprises none of you. It does, however, surprise me, because about a month ago I was introduced by a fellow Baltimore blogger as "the writer of the best shit and fart stories on the net."
Now I'll take a compliment wherever I can get it, and having no shame at all, I have no problem with being known as the "shit and fart guy," but I decided that I would show you all that I have a little more range than that. "I resolve here and now," I said to myself (not out loud, because that would be crazy,) "that the next 6 blog posts I write will not in any way involve farts, shits or my ass." Then I killed a virgin and made a shrine to the shrimp-god Slippygoop out of her bones, because that's how we seal a deal where I come from.
I had every intention of sticking to this resolution, if for no other reason than you really don't want to incur the wrath of Slippygoop. Not unless you like being gnawed to death by millions of sea monkeys. It's not a good way to go. It kind of tickles, and it takes days. but I meant to stick to my guns on this, and I would have, if not for the fact that I recently had a post-grump stool inspection that turned up something weird. Something that I absolutely had to share with you all.
Before we get to that, though, I feel I should explain the whole post-grump stool inspection.
I don't indulge in an inspection of my stools because I'm obsessed with feces. I mean, I am obsessed with feces, but really only the talking about feces. Looking at feces really does nothing for me. See also: Smelling feces, eating feces, juggling feces. My post-grump stool inspection is simply a quick look in the bowl to see how things are stacking up in there. Are we wet? Are we dry? In clumps or one long tube? Sinkers or floaters? These things can tell you a lot about the health of your butt. Most doctors (and by "most," I mean "the crazy ones") will tell you that it's a good idea to examine your stools before you flush them down.
So the post-grump stool inspection is really just another part of the Wombat Commitment to Quality I wrote about a while back. I mean, if I'm going to spend all this digital real estate writing about my shits, shouldn't I do what I can to ensure that they are the best shits I have to offer? See the lengths I go through for you people?
Anyway, on this particular day in question, the standard inspection yielded something kind of new. And it worried me. "Okay, we have 6-8 sinkers... That's normal... 1-2 inches... Some clumping... Also normal... The usual green color... wait. Green?"
Green poops.
GREEN.
Now, in my 34 years on planet Earth I've seen some crazy shit come out of my ass, but green stools was a completely new one for me. I'm not talking about greenish-brown either. I know that's what you are picturing. (or rather, what you are trying desperately not to picture.) I'm not talking about this:
I'm talking about this:
That's not a color you should ever see in the toilet. I'm not kidding and I'm not exaggerating. Full-on green. Imagine standing up after a hairy grump and seeing this staring back at you from the toilet:
I tell you, I was in fear for my life. I'm pretty sure that Oscar The Grouch Craps are the first sign of a brain tumor in your ass. I think it goes Grouch-craps, then the palpitations and the vapors, then your ass falls right off onto the floor and you die. So I did what anyone would do. I ran around the bathroom in circles screaming. I may have cried a little. I remember thinking that if I died right there in the bathroom, I would never again see Karla face-to-face, and despite this silver lining, I still didn't want to die.
What causes green poops? I mean, other than the brain tumor in your ass? Parasites? Viruses? Herpes contracted in a 30-man all-pirate gang-bang? It could have been anything. I knew I should have made those pirates wash their Jolly Rogers!
After about 30 minutes of weeping I booted up my computer, because nothing feeds a panic like the internet. Turns out that the #1 cause of green poops in people over 1 year old is food coloring. (the #1 cause in people under 1 year old is that babies asses are strange and mysterious places.) A careful examination of the things I had eaten in the past 24 hours yielded only one likely culprit:
These things used to be red. Now they're multi-colored. They're multi-colored little bombs of tasty poop stainer. I never knew about the fact that they cause green poops because I hadn't had them in 10 years or so. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that Cap'n Crunch treated my ass like his own personal garbage can. I mean, the guy's not even a real captain. "Cap'n" is some sort of honorary title at best. He's no more qualified to steer a pirate ship than Dr. pepper is to perform bariatric surgery. (boy did I learn that lesson the hard way.)
Anyway, that's the story of my green poops. There's no real lesson to be learned here unless it's "never trust a dude who wears his eyebrows on his hat." (Seriously! Look at that box again!) But the second this happened I knew I had to blog about it, because, let's face it - My ass is the star of this blog, and when it learns a new trick, I'd be remiss if I didn't put it on display. Besides, you know you're all heading out to the store tonight for some Cap'n Crunch to see if it happens to you.
PS: Karla made the comment to me that because I hadn't posted in so long, my blog had become boring. Well Karla, I hope this serves as proof that it can be boring even when I do post something.
I lead with that sentence so that you all (and by "you all" I mean the 6 people that still read this blog) will know without a shadow of a doubt that we are once again careening headlong into the dark recesses of my ass. I'm aware that this surprises none of you. It does, however, surprise me, because about a month ago I was introduced by a fellow Baltimore blogger as "the writer of the best shit and fart stories on the net."
Now I'll take a compliment wherever I can get it, and having no shame at all, I have no problem with being known as the "shit and fart guy," but I decided that I would show you all that I have a little more range than that. "I resolve here and now," I said to myself (not out loud, because that would be crazy,) "that the next 6 blog posts I write will not in any way involve farts, shits or my ass." Then I killed a virgin and made a shrine to the shrimp-god Slippygoop out of her bones, because that's how we seal a deal where I come from.
I had every intention of sticking to this resolution, if for no other reason than you really don't want to incur the wrath of Slippygoop. Not unless you like being gnawed to death by millions of sea monkeys. It's not a good way to go. It kind of tickles, and it takes days. but I meant to stick to my guns on this, and I would have, if not for the fact that I recently had a post-grump stool inspection that turned up something weird. Something that I absolutely had to share with you all.
Before we get to that, though, I feel I should explain the whole post-grump stool inspection.
I don't indulge in an inspection of my stools because I'm obsessed with feces. I mean, I am obsessed with feces, but really only the talking about feces. Looking at feces really does nothing for me. See also: Smelling feces, eating feces, juggling feces. My post-grump stool inspection is simply a quick look in the bowl to see how things are stacking up in there. Are we wet? Are we dry? In clumps or one long tube? Sinkers or floaters? These things can tell you a lot about the health of your butt. Most doctors (and by "most," I mean "the crazy ones") will tell you that it's a good idea to examine your stools before you flush them down.
So the post-grump stool inspection is really just another part of the Wombat Commitment to Quality I wrote about a while back. I mean, if I'm going to spend all this digital real estate writing about my shits, shouldn't I do what I can to ensure that they are the best shits I have to offer? See the lengths I go through for you people?
Anyway, on this particular day in question, the standard inspection yielded something kind of new. And it worried me. "Okay, we have 6-8 sinkers... That's normal... 1-2 inches... Some clumping... Also normal... The usual green color... wait. Green?"
Green poops.
GREEN.
Now, in my 34 years on planet Earth I've seen some crazy shit come out of my ass, but green stools was a completely new one for me. I'm not talking about greenish-brown either. I know that's what you are picturing. (or rather, what you are trying desperately not to picture.) I'm not talking about this:
I'm talking about this:
That's not a color you should ever see in the toilet. I'm not kidding and I'm not exaggerating. Full-on green. Imagine standing up after a hairy grump and seeing this staring back at you from the toilet:
I tell you, I was in fear for my life. I'm pretty sure that Oscar The Grouch Craps are the first sign of a brain tumor in your ass. I think it goes Grouch-craps, then the palpitations and the vapors, then your ass falls right off onto the floor and you die. So I did what anyone would do. I ran around the bathroom in circles screaming. I may have cried a little. I remember thinking that if I died right there in the bathroom, I would never again see Karla face-to-face, and despite this silver lining, I still didn't want to die.
What causes green poops? I mean, other than the brain tumor in your ass? Parasites? Viruses? Herpes contracted in a 30-man all-pirate gang-bang? It could have been anything. I knew I should have made those pirates wash their Jolly Rogers!
After about 30 minutes of weeping I booted up my computer, because nothing feeds a panic like the internet. Turns out that the #1 cause of green poops in people over 1 year old is food coloring. (the #1 cause in people under 1 year old is that babies asses are strange and mysterious places.) A careful examination of the things I had eaten in the past 24 hours yielded only one likely culprit:
These things used to be red. Now they're multi-colored. They're multi-colored little bombs of tasty poop stainer. I never knew about the fact that they cause green poops because I hadn't had them in 10 years or so. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that Cap'n Crunch treated my ass like his own personal garbage can. I mean, the guy's not even a real captain. "Cap'n" is some sort of honorary title at best. He's no more qualified to steer a pirate ship than Dr. pepper is to perform bariatric surgery. (boy did I learn that lesson the hard way.)
Anyway, that's the story of my green poops. There's no real lesson to be learned here unless it's "never trust a dude who wears his eyebrows on his hat." (Seriously! Look at that box again!) But the second this happened I knew I had to blog about it, because, let's face it - My ass is the star of this blog, and when it learns a new trick, I'd be remiss if I didn't put it on display. Besides, you know you're all heading out to the store tonight for some Cap'n Crunch to see if it happens to you.
PS: Karla made the comment to me that because I hadn't posted in so long, my blog had become boring. Well Karla, I hope this serves as proof that it can be boring even when I do post something.
posted by CommonWombat at 2:32 PM
15 Comments:
sweet! i got the first comment! i felt a strong disturbance in the force and proceeded to look at common wombat dot com dot org. sweet! more poop, and it's green this time! never let anyone say you're not environmentally sound, just show them your green cap'n crap.
Wow...I am truly shocked.
SHOCKED!!
Not about the green shit part...nothing that comes out of your ass could surprise me. If Liza Minelli crawled out of there drunk and singing "New York, New York," I wouldn't bat an eye. I'm just shocked to learn there's someone older than 5 years old who eats Crunch Berries.
Did you watch Spongebob on TV while you ate them?
you know, not just crazy doctors are pro poop inpection. you really can tell alot from the state of your exiting passengers.
for instance, my usual schedule of about once a week tells me this natalie dee comic is all too true.
Green shit, eh?? Sounds to me like you caught something rather nasty when you were staying at the Babble residence. I'd get to the free clinic immediately if I were you.
BTW, I take great pride in my shit and fart stories...and I daresay MY blog takes first place over yours!
I think "Never trust a man who wears his eyebrows on his hat" should be the tagline for ACW's journal.
Also, please indulge your audience by conducting some controlled food-coloring experiments and reporting back. What happens to your poop when you eat other variously-colored things? The people want to know.
Blueberries=green crap, without fail.
See, for me, usually when my turds are such a stunning shade of green, it's because I've been hitting the grape juice or grape Kool Aid too much.
Oh, and I felt like sharing this with you, Bristol Stool Scale
Why even eat Cap'n Crunch? All it does is create millions of tiny lacerations in your mouth. You must be a masochist.
NUGGETMAVEN: Oh my god did you just make my day. HOW did I not know about the Bristol scale?
I'm going to memorize that scale and from now on I'm using that info when I introduce myself to people.
"Hi. My name is Baker, and today I'm passing #7s on the Bristol scale. Have you got any fiber?"
Glad to have been of ASSistance!
I know of some bloggers who post their daily BSS on their blog. It's a riot.
Mr. Wombat, might I draw your attention to my Flatulent Moment of Zen? Should you click that imbedded link, please click on the picture of my feet. It was taken whilst on the throne.
Enjoy:)
Whoa, you posted blogs twice in one month. The world may be coming to an end.
New post! New post! New post!
Geez, I came over here from Snay's blogroll, and found this.
I always thought that colour of poo meant that your intestines were failing and you needed a colonoscopy?
hello.
santa time is over.
please for to come back to me.
omg the same thing happened to me like 10 mins ago (kinda emmbaressing) and the only thing i ate for the past 2 days was berries capn crunch, and a lots of it. i had like some wierd craving to it...wow looks like the same EXACT thing happened to both of us ..that is so wierd...!! well i found your story on google because i was tryng to figure out why it was such a bright shade of green and i was freaking out real bad... and thanks to your post im able to sleep tonight!!
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