Calm the fuck down and get the shovels.
It's just frozen water, folks. Let's get a grip here.
Yes, the eastern seaboard was indeed hit by what the Weather Channel calls a "Nor'easter," and what the rest of us call "snow." And as is par for the course, the sight of a little frozen precipitation is enough to throw the fine citizens of Maryland into an unbridled orgy of jackassitude.
It starts with the local newscasters, who begin 4 days before the actual snowfall by liberally sprinkling the newscast with phrases like "the end of life as we know it," "buried alive beneath tons of ice," and "most likely resort to eating our young to survive." Okay, they may not be using those exact words, but something is causing all my neighbors to beat each other to death over the last roll of TP at the Safeway.
As I've said before, the funny thing about Baltimore, is that we're far enough north that we get a decent amount of snow every year, and we're far enough south that we act like complete jackasses every time it happens.
This may not mean much to those of you who live in places like Texas (where it is generally warmer) or California (where the entire concept of weather is alien and confusing to you) but for my blog-buddies over here on the eastern seaboard I'd like to offer some help. So here we go with Wombat's handy guide to surviving the snowy apocalypse:
Tip #1: Buy your groceries like a normal human being.
Barring the kind of horrible city-burying snowstorm we only see in the movies, I sincerely doubt you will be trapped in your house for a month. Every time there is impending snow, I see people at the grocery store buying 48 gallons of water, 27 loaves of bread and 800 rolls of TP. What kind of endless siege are these people planning for? The Battle of Stalingrad? The longest I've ever been trapped in my house because of snow was a day. How much eating, drinking and shitting are you planning to do? Even if you started crapping the second the snow started falling, and stopped 5 days later, you couldn't possibly use all the TP you've bought. Believe me, I've tried.
By all means, be prepared. Buy one package of TP. Get a loaf of bread. Get some pasta sauce. You people act like the fucking Germans are rolling in with tanks.
Besides, even if it does snow for a year, if there's one thing the movies have taught us, it's that Dennis Quaid will come for you. Have a little faith.
Tip #2: You can drive in this shit.
The minute the first snowflake drops into view, most people I know become convinced that to drive in the snow is to ensure their own untimely demise, stuck waist deep in a snowbank off I-95. Listen to your buddy Wombat. You can drive in the show and not wind up a frozen corpse if you remember one simple rule: Go slower, dickface. The road is icy. I have every confidence that if you don't try to race around like the caffeinated tool you usually are, that even a clearly deficient nutsack like you can make it to work alive. Just use your fucking brain.
This is especially true for the people who fly around in giant SUVs, as if the snow is a personal challenge to their manhood. For those of you who drive big SUVs, my advice remains the same. Slow the fuck down. 4-wheel drive and traction control may make you somewhat safer, but it doesn't make you Mighty Zeus.
Tip #3: Throw a fucking snowball.
If you go outside to shovel your walk or brush off your car, and you don't at least toss one snowball, then I have no use for you. You clearly have no soul. Go inside, put on Dr. Phil and wait for death to claim you. It may take a while, because even the Grim Reaper knows to go play in the fucking snow.
Yes, the eastern seaboard was indeed hit by what the Weather Channel calls a "Nor'easter," and what the rest of us call "snow." And as is par for the course, the sight of a little frozen precipitation is enough to throw the fine citizens of Maryland into an unbridled orgy of jackassitude.
It starts with the local newscasters, who begin 4 days before the actual snowfall by liberally sprinkling the newscast with phrases like "the end of life as we know it," "buried alive beneath tons of ice," and "most likely resort to eating our young to survive." Okay, they may not be using those exact words, but something is causing all my neighbors to beat each other to death over the last roll of TP at the Safeway.
As I've said before, the funny thing about Baltimore, is that we're far enough north that we get a decent amount of snow every year, and we're far enough south that we act like complete jackasses every time it happens.
This may not mean much to those of you who live in places like Texas (where it is generally warmer) or California (where the entire concept of weather is alien and confusing to you) but for my blog-buddies over here on the eastern seaboard I'd like to offer some help. So here we go with Wombat's handy guide to surviving the snowy apocalypse:
Tip #1: Buy your groceries like a normal human being.
Barring the kind of horrible city-burying snowstorm we only see in the movies, I sincerely doubt you will be trapped in your house for a month. Every time there is impending snow, I see people at the grocery store buying 48 gallons of water, 27 loaves of bread and 800 rolls of TP. What kind of endless siege are these people planning for? The Battle of Stalingrad? The longest I've ever been trapped in my house because of snow was a day. How much eating, drinking and shitting are you planning to do? Even if you started crapping the second the snow started falling, and stopped 5 days later, you couldn't possibly use all the TP you've bought. Believe me, I've tried.
By all means, be prepared. Buy one package of TP. Get a loaf of bread. Get some pasta sauce. You people act like the fucking Germans are rolling in with tanks.
Besides, even if it does snow for a year, if there's one thing the movies have taught us, it's that Dennis Quaid will come for you. Have a little faith.
Tip #2: You can drive in this shit.
The minute the first snowflake drops into view, most people I know become convinced that to drive in the snow is to ensure their own untimely demise, stuck waist deep in a snowbank off I-95. Listen to your buddy Wombat. You can drive in the show and not wind up a frozen corpse if you remember one simple rule: Go slower, dickface. The road is icy. I have every confidence that if you don't try to race around like the caffeinated tool you usually are, that even a clearly deficient nutsack like you can make it to work alive. Just use your fucking brain.
This is especially true for the people who fly around in giant SUVs, as if the snow is a personal challenge to their manhood. For those of you who drive big SUVs, my advice remains the same. Slow the fuck down. 4-wheel drive and traction control may make you somewhat safer, but it doesn't make you Mighty Zeus.
Tip #3: Throw a fucking snowball.
If you go outside to shovel your walk or brush off your car, and you don't at least toss one snowball, then I have no use for you. You clearly have no soul. Go inside, put on Dr. Phil and wait for death to claim you. It may take a while, because even the Grim Reaper knows to go play in the fucking snow.
posted by CommonWombat at 3:00 PM
11 Comments:
I'm not too far south of you, and I am seeing the same idiocy here. My local gas station sold out of regular gas Friday night...SOLD OUT! Given the fact that these people are scared to drive, I have to wonder what good a full tank will do for them.
Hence why I stayed the f*ck out of Safeway this weekend. This is was not a blizzard, and it's ticking me off that everone is calling it like that. If you call the light, steady snowfall we had yesterday a "blizzard", then I will have to borrow Wombat's 18" green dildo to beat you over the head with.
But I am going to milk this snow stuff as my excuse for showing up to work late tomorrow morning.
I live in CT and still have the same problems.
Assholes.
I heart you. This post made my day. I take I-97 to work and had to go in this morning and just... all of this was true. I was so sickened of standing in line for a jug of milk at Food Lion yesterday that I just left after standing in line waiting for 20 minutes. 20 minutes. Because people are buying EVERYTHING. If this is from snow, wtf do we expect when we have a nuclear war? Just a thought. Thank you!
18 inches of the stuff here, I'm from Illinois and could about scream at the way people in Philly freak out over snow. My neighbor, from Georgia, had his F150 stuck as all get out in the snow. Had to show him how to get it out. I hope he didn't crash it on the way to work.
I couldn't agree with this post more. Sad part is, I do my grocery shopping on the weekends, so I had to fight the mob-style crowd on Friday night just for my $50 of weekly groceries. UGH!!
i sincerely hope that one day dennis quaid comes for me.
but if clive owen comes first, you better believe i'll be going with him.
The Grim Reaper doesn't "play" in the snow, he causes icicles to penetrate the soft part of your skull.
I waited around all day Sunday for Dennis Quaid to show up. Don't tease me like that.
these are all very good hints wombat. i live in ga. now and it does not snow much at all but when it finally does i have to go out and make a snow ball and throw it. after all i was born in ma. and it is only right.
Amen, Brother Wombat. I used to live in Pennsylvania and was always amazed at the "stocking up for doomsday" mentality every time the weatherman predicted snow. It's just snow. It's going to melt. Get over it.
What is this "snow" you speak of? Here in Texas, we have snow, but we snort it rather than drive in it. I don't understand most of this post.
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