More proof that I should sell my keyboard and take up knitting:
This morning, in the midst of a deadline, my main CRT monitor goes kablooey on me.
Well, okay... It didn't go "kablooey," it actually didn't go anything at all, which was sort of the problem, because one of the many things it didn't go was "on."
I've known for some time that the damn thing was on its last leg. It's been coughing its death wheezes for like, six months. But you know how it is: when the end comes, it comes hard and fast and there's no time to carve a plaque.
Why do you give a shit about my monitor woes? Well you probably don't, so I'll re-phrase.
Why am I pretending you give a shit about my monitor woes? Because I went out this morning and spent money I absolutely do not have in the name of keeping ship shape for my illustration business, and am now the proud owner of shiny dual side-by-side 19" flat screens. Working on dual flat screens (shiny ones!) is the artist equivalent of being one of those dudes in the John Woo movies who jump around shooting twin nickel-plated pistols.
I, my friends, am a fucking gunslinger.
And in debt up to my eyeballs. No, beyond my eyeballs. Up to my... Shit, there's not much above my eyeballs... Forehead? Hairline? Crap. I shouldn't have given up on the eyeballs. I have officially screwed this metaphor.
Anyway, huge soul-crushing debt. But loving the monitors. Okay, I can hear you yawning. Fine you insensitive bastards, here is why I really sprung blog-ward tonight...
The supermarket nearest my house has a line of sugar free candies on display. These things are called "Go-lightly." Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't "Go-lightly" the stuff you drink before surgery that makes you shit like it's going out of style?
(Fear not, by the way. I stay on top of this stuff, and shitting will never go out of style.)
And while I'm on the subject of America's favorite pre-surgery poop-inducer, why call it "Go-lightly?" That just seems cruel to the person using it. It sounds so pastoral, so benign... One would expect that drinking "Go-lightly" might lead to 15 minutes or so of gentle and pleasant deficating, the kind where you never once have to bear down... The kind where you never look up from your copy of Reader's Digest at all.
Imagine your horror as you instead spend the next hour clutching the sides of the bowl just to stay on as everything you have ever ingested stampedes out of your ass? Instead of "Go-lightly," they should call it "Go-to-hell, cause this is going to suck."
Damnit, here goes another blog entry, spinning down the toilet bowl. Anyone who wants to start counting how many of my writings devolve into poop jokes... Well, anyone who wants to do that needs to get out of the house more often, but you get my drift.
Well, okay... It didn't go "kablooey," it actually didn't go anything at all, which was sort of the problem, because one of the many things it didn't go was "on."
I've known for some time that the damn thing was on its last leg. It's been coughing its death wheezes for like, six months. But you know how it is: when the end comes, it comes hard and fast and there's no time to carve a plaque.
Why do you give a shit about my monitor woes? Well you probably don't, so I'll re-phrase.
Why am I pretending you give a shit about my monitor woes? Because I went out this morning and spent money I absolutely do not have in the name of keeping ship shape for my illustration business, and am now the proud owner of shiny dual side-by-side 19" flat screens. Working on dual flat screens (shiny ones!) is the artist equivalent of being one of those dudes in the John Woo movies who jump around shooting twin nickel-plated pistols.
I, my friends, am a fucking gunslinger.
And in debt up to my eyeballs. No, beyond my eyeballs. Up to my... Shit, there's not much above my eyeballs... Forehead? Hairline? Crap. I shouldn't have given up on the eyeballs. I have officially screwed this metaphor.
Anyway, huge soul-crushing debt. But loving the monitors. Okay, I can hear you yawning. Fine you insensitive bastards, here is why I really sprung blog-ward tonight...
The supermarket nearest my house has a line of sugar free candies on display. These things are called "Go-lightly." Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't "Go-lightly" the stuff you drink before surgery that makes you shit like it's going out of style?
(Fear not, by the way. I stay on top of this stuff, and shitting will never go out of style.)
And while I'm on the subject of America's favorite pre-surgery poop-inducer, why call it "Go-lightly?" That just seems cruel to the person using it. It sounds so pastoral, so benign... One would expect that drinking "Go-lightly" might lead to 15 minutes or so of gentle and pleasant deficating, the kind where you never once have to bear down... The kind where you never look up from your copy of Reader's Digest at all.
Imagine your horror as you instead spend the next hour clutching the sides of the bowl just to stay on as everything you have ever ingested stampedes out of your ass? Instead of "Go-lightly," they should call it "Go-to-hell, cause this is going to suck."
Damnit, here goes another blog entry, spinning down the toilet bowl. Anyone who wants to start counting how many of my writings devolve into poop jokes... Well, anyone who wants to do that needs to get out of the house more often, but you get my drift.
posted by CommonWombat at 1:41 AM
8 Comments:
So, the question is, what two flat panels did you get? I am in the market, as with my impending departure, I must return the monstrous CRT on my desk at home. I am thinking a 19" flat panel, but I must admit that I like the Dell UltraScans (or whatever the hell they call them).
So, some details for the geeks, please?
Go-lytely. A play on electrolytes. And yes, it does make you shit like its going out of style, but it has electrolytes to prevent you from becoming dehydrated, which I'm guessing would be bad times if you were going into surgery. Maybe despite my best efforts, 4 years working for a pharmacy is actually depositing information into my brain...
First, to satisfy the geeks:
They're Samsung SyncMaster 193P LCD screens. I had read nothing but good things about them, and so far they rock. 20ms refresh rate (highest I've seen on a 19") Crystal clear, and they come with excelent color-calibration software. I'm running them at 1280 x 1024, and they are sharp as hell.
Also, did I mention they're shiny?
As for Laceybear, leave it to science to suck the funny right out of the entry... Why you gotta play me like dat, science?
Gunslinger? Poop jokes? Monitors?
You're so many different kinds of nerd all at once that it cancels out and makes you cool.
I'm sorry if your poo humor was completely lost on me. I was too busy dying of jealousy over the dueling monitors! That is like heaven -- and I'm not even sure why. What on earth would I do with two monitors -- it's not like it's going to help me read your blog twice as fast.
But congrats nonetheless!
I actually know some people whose last name is Golightly. Some members of the family are rather portly, too, so I thought it was kind of an ironic name, since they're really more likely to go heavily rather than lightly. At any rate, I'm sure they're delighted to know about the shit-inducer that shares their name.
Hey, Bake, I told my mom about the "so this one time I shit myself" blog and I thought she was going to faint with laughter. My step-dad was nearly in tears -- he loves stuff like that but normally can't say such things in front of my mom. Only I seem to get away with saying stuff like to her. :) Also, on the license plates ... Eli and I saw one once that said "PPFACE." We nearly ran off the road.
PPFACE would have absolutely killed me, had I seen it. What were they THINKING???
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