Saturday, August 06, 2005

Ask Me About My Narcissim!!!

So, Karla, whose brain quite frankly terrifies me, is doing this whole "5 questions" shebang, and I just had to be a part of it. Because, you know, I'm a narcissist. Here are the 5 questions she came up with for me, and (as you probably guessed) my answers. Because just printing the questions would be stupid. Grab hold of your... um... shift key, 'cause here we go!

1. You're in a plane with all your friends and family, on your way to Paraguay for the big Mixed Nut Festival, when your plane crashes in a remote mountain location. You're stranded so long that eventually you're starving to death. Who do you eat first, and why?

Hmmmm. I do love the Mixed Nut Festival... It's not the nuts that make it special, so much as the mixing... But I digress. This whole question reminds me of the time my then 8-year old nephew announced that there should be a game show called "Let's See Who's Edible." Smart kid.

But again with the digression. Okay, on with the people-eating!

I can't eat my wife, although, she probably would taste pretty good. She was raised in Pennsylvania Dutch country, and everything the Dutchies touch just tastes better. But I kind of like having her around, so she's out. Same goes for my best friend Paul. He'd be perfect, because he's got just a little fat on him, not a lot, just enough to keep him from being tough and wiry. Just enough in fact, to make a nice gravy from... Mmmmmm, gravy... NO! Must... Stop... Picturing... Eating... Paul...

Mom and Dad are too old (sorry guys!), My sister is too... my sister. Eating your sister is probably like kissing your sister... Did I just write "eating your sister?" Moving on...

I'm going to have to go with my pal Skip. Skip one of those athletic guys who has gotten a little bit pudgier as he's aged, so I think there's gotta be a good ratio of nourishing meat to tasty fat on him. Also, he's a politician. So we can finally test the theory of "Does a politician do more good in government, or in your tummy?" Sorry Skip! If it makes you feel better, I can promise you we'll marinate you in something nice, and serve you encrusted in the mixed nuts we packed for the trip.

2. Name one thing you've said in your life that you wish you could take back.

One thing??? We could make better progress if I instead found the one thing I said that I didn't want to immediately pull back into my mouth and swallow. Most of those who know me can tell you that I was born without the internal censor that most of you normal folk have. Another way to put this is that the distance between my brain and my mouth is very short, and any thought that appears in the former, will most likely jump out the latter before I can stop it.

Let's assume that there's about 3 million things I wish I could take back, and I will instead tell you the story of the one thing that actually got me punched in the face for saying.

I used to be good friends with this girl, Annie. We had one of those antagonistic relationships where you really care about the other person, but show it primarily through abuse... We were just funny like that, And no, I don't mean that I just picked on her, she gave me hell too. at any rate, there was one summer in high school where I was doing my best to show her how much I cared by making fun of the size of her ass at every opportunity. I should point out that she did not, in fact, have a big ass. She had a normal ass. I just thought ass-jokes would be a funny way to get under her skin. So that whole summer it was ass-jokes at every turn. (See what a great guy I used to be? What a fucking dumbass.)

Then one night, a bunch of us were hanging out, and I made a big-butt joke and she stormed off, and a friend of ours pulled me aside and said "Look, it really hurts her feelings when you make fun of her butt like that." I was floored. This is going to sound SOOOOOO stupid, but I really didn't mean to hurt her feelings. I was just, you know, busting her balls, so to speak. (again, Dumbass.) So I went and found her and I sincerely wanted to apologize, because I truly felt like an asshole. So I go to her, and she's crying, and I put my hands on her shoulders and look in her eyes, and I say "Annie, listen, I am really, really sorry about all the butt cracks."

Butt cracks!!!!! The minute it came out of my mouth I could feel the corners of my mouth turning up in a smile!!! Butt cracks!!! I couldn't have said something funnier if I was trying! Now I was straining to hold back the grin that was spreading across my face! The grin that was threatening to turn into a full fledged guffaw! The look on her face was one of utter horror. I blustered "No! (chuckle) I didn't mean (snort) I really am... (snicker)" And here comes her fist.

She actually loosened a few of my teeth.

3. You cat gets a shot of the wrong medicine by a negligent vet (who is later revealed to have been high on crack at the time), and attacks you in your sleep, mangling your face horribly. Your life can go two ways: In one scenario, you become incredibly rich from the ensuing lawsuit, as well as incredibly famous from all the publicity. You do a round of daytime talk shows and news interviews, and are so loved by the public that you eventually get a string of acting gigs, and become a household name. Or, in the second scenario, you use most of the settlement money to restore your face to its former glory. You go unnoticed by the press and continue to live the happy life you have now. Which scenario would you wish for? (Your cat is fine in either case, by the way.)

I think I'll take the fame and fortune. If I was the type who didn't want attention, I probably wouldn't be posting stories about shitting myself on the internet for the whole world to see. Huge attention whore here. You dig?

4. Why did you choose the name Common Wombat?

Boy do I wish this was an interesting story. I knew a kid in college who was obsessed with stamp collecting. (Are you forming a vivid picture of the type of people I hung around in college? I swear to god I knew some cool people... Well, a cool person... Well, he was a nerd but he had an air conditioner... Oh god, just shoot me now.) Anyway, one day my friend got a letter from someone in Australia, and the stamp was a picture of a wombat with the title "Common Wombat."

We got to joking around about exactly what it would take to be an uncommon wombat, and how much we'd like to see that wombat, but the whole time I'm just rolling the words around in my head... common wombat... common wombat... I've always been someone who enjoys the shapes and sounds of words, and common wombat just had a way of rolling through your mouth. I just love the way it feels to say it. I vowed right then and there (I did a lot of vowing in those days) to use that name one day when I started a business. Lo and behold, 13 years later, and I have an illustration business called Common Wombat Studio. (www.commonwombat.com... ahem.)

So there you have it. 100% true and 100% boring.

Ah! I nearly forgot! I discovered another meaning for the word wombat, one that is kind of funny taken in terms of my creative business... Some hold that WOMBAT is an acronym for Waste Of Money, Brains, And Talent. I'll have to let my clients be the judge...

5. Tell me about the time you spent in that Turkish Prison.

All I'll say is that a) I had no idea you could fit that many midgets into an elephant scrotum, and b) I would have made it over the border if I hadn't had to go back for my priceless collection of cervical collars.

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Want to play?
The Official Interview Game Rules:
1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below asking to be interviewed.
2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different.
3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

7 Comments:

Blogger karla said...

Well, I have to say, you've outdone yourself. That was truly hilarious. I laughed out loud. This is saying something, because I read (or actually skim) a lot of blogs, and I don't find most of them very interesting. They're mostly chatty desriptions of this person's day or that person's relationship troubles--only interesting in a gossip sense. But what you write (including but not limited to your answers to my interview questions) is witty and well-written enough that I actually take my time and read it slowly, and laugh out loud. It's nice to see some good writing on the internet.

11:46 PM  
Blogger Masked Mom said...

Does everyone Karla "knows" have butt crack stories?! I'm so jealous!

5:20 PM  
Blogger undercover celebrity said...

You are truly, FREAKING, hilarious!

And if you are, in fact, a WOMBAT in the acronymal sense, I'd never know it. I think your true potential has been reached in blog format.

6:07 PM  
Blogger undercover celebrity said...

Dear Sir,
Your photo scares the bejeezus out of me. Would you kindly consider something that doesn't make me fear the wombat with such intensity?

kindest regards,
uc

6:21 PM  
Blogger karla said...

I second the "new photo" request.

8:13 PM  
Blogger CommonWombat said...

Well fret no more, lil' pilgrims, for I, being a wombat who may be common but who also values the opinions of his e-friends, have posted a new, blog-o-buddy-friendly picture for your viewing pleasure!

Phew! That was a lot of sentence to get out in one breath!

8:58 PM  
Blogger undercover celebrity said...

You've done the wombat proud with your new "photo" -- I'm assuming it's of a wombat -- or is it of the Icee bear?

Either way, I do not fear it.

10:46 PM  

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