9 People Who Honk Me Off Just A Little Bit:
Look out! I'm feeling snarky tonight!
1) People who say "ice-cold beverage." Ice-cold is frozen. That beverage is simply low-temperature. Well, the ice cubes in it are ice-cold. Perhaps you could offer me a low-temp beverage with chunks of ice-cold water.
2) People who call that thing in their basement the "Hot Water Heater." There is no need to heat hot water. That device is heating room-temperature water.
3) People who have speakerphones but still hold them up in front of their faces. If you're going to go through the trouble of engaging your arm, why not go the extra 4 inches, put that fucker up to your ear, and spare me from having to listen to your inane conversation.
4) People who stare at the menu and then go, "What do I want to eat?" How should I know what the fuck you want to eat? I'm too busy being me over here, I really don't have the time to be you as well. You are a lot closer to your stomach than I am. You figure out what it wants.
5) People who call you on the phone and ask "What'cha doing?" I'm talking on the phone. To you, genius. Do you mean what was I doing before you interupted me?
6) People who fart and then act like they didn't do it. Nice poker face. Dude, there's 2 of us in the room, and I know I didn't do it. What exactly is to be gained by pretending you didn't just rip one? It's not like up till now, I assumed you didn't fart. Farting actually comes with the ass, buddy. Got an ass? Got farts. I've made my peace with it. You should too.
7) People with those ribbon shaped magnets on the back of their cars. I'm all for supporting the troops, you know? But all that magnet is doing is supporting the dude who makes the magnets.
8) People who slow down when there's a cop on the side of the road giving some other schmuck a ticket. Don't slow down, speed up! This is the one time you know without a doubt that the police are otherwise occupied! Floor it!
9) People who say "Self-help book." If it's self help, you don't need the book. That's a book-help book.
Next time, I promise I'll write something that reflects a deep abiding faith in humanity.
1) People who say "ice-cold beverage." Ice-cold is frozen. That beverage is simply low-temperature. Well, the ice cubes in it are ice-cold. Perhaps you could offer me a low-temp beverage with chunks of ice-cold water.
2) People who call that thing in their basement the "Hot Water Heater." There is no need to heat hot water. That device is heating room-temperature water.
3) People who have speakerphones but still hold them up in front of their faces. If you're going to go through the trouble of engaging your arm, why not go the extra 4 inches, put that fucker up to your ear, and spare me from having to listen to your inane conversation.
4) People who stare at the menu and then go, "What do I want to eat?" How should I know what the fuck you want to eat? I'm too busy being me over here, I really don't have the time to be you as well. You are a lot closer to your stomach than I am. You figure out what it wants.
5) People who call you on the phone and ask "What'cha doing?" I'm talking on the phone. To you, genius. Do you mean what was I doing before you interupted me?
6) People who fart and then act like they didn't do it. Nice poker face. Dude, there's 2 of us in the room, and I know I didn't do it. What exactly is to be gained by pretending you didn't just rip one? It's not like up till now, I assumed you didn't fart. Farting actually comes with the ass, buddy. Got an ass? Got farts. I've made my peace with it. You should too.
7) People with those ribbon shaped magnets on the back of their cars. I'm all for supporting the troops, you know? But all that magnet is doing is supporting the dude who makes the magnets.
8) People who slow down when there's a cop on the side of the road giving some other schmuck a ticket. Don't slow down, speed up! This is the one time you know without a doubt that the police are otherwise occupied! Floor it!
9) People who say "Self-help book." If it's self help, you don't need the book. That's a book-help book.
Next time, I promise I'll write something that reflects a deep abiding faith in humanity.
posted by CommonWombat at 2:02 AM
12 Comments:
While deep, abiding faith in humanity is sweet (if misplaced), it will probably never be snort-out-loud funny so you can keep it, as far as I'm concerned.
Thanks for the laugh (yet again).
I'm am completely with you on number 8.
What about the people who say ATM Machine? ATM stands for Automated Teller Machine so it is kind of redundant. Man, am I clever or what?
Can I ask a personal question? Are you coming to the happy hour with Sally? You must. Really. I mean... you can stumble home. Woot!
Fool
You are so funny these days (I can't speak to the days before I was aware of your existence).
I'm especially cracking up over your correct declaration of temperature issues.
You may need to be institutionalized, which is ok as long as they let you blog in there. :)
How about people who say, "Six a.m. in the morning." AM is MORNING! DUH!
Augggh! Now you've got me started!
People who turn off the car stereo while trying to park. What, silence increases the chances of finding a good spot?
My personal favorite is when people mix up the phrases "in lieu of" and "in light of." People, they are NOT THE SAME.
PS, I found you on Undercover Celebrity's blog. You are one funny dude.
You people are far too kind. Props go to Fool, Freethinker, Leesepea and Rebcram for their excellent contributions. You guys win a prize. Well actually I have no prizes to give out, but you do win my esteem, which when coupled with a buck-fifty, will get you a bag of Fritos.
I *love* Fritos!
I'd like to win your esteem too, because I am hungry for some Fritos. But I can't think of anything that pisses me off, because I love everything and everyone. I am sunshine and light. Live and let live, I say.
Okay, enough of the lies.
I hate when people say, "What the problem is, is..." You know, with "is" in there twice.
I hate when people call in the dead of the night and you answer the phone with a snore, and they ask "Oh, did I wake you?"
I hate it when I'm at a drive through and I say, "I'd like a taco and that's all," and they ask, "Will that be all?" I even go so far as to say, "I'd like a taco and that's all I want, nothing else, no hot or mild sauce, no drinks. Just a taco." To which they often reply, "Would you like something to drink with that?"
Also, I hate everyone.
Now gimme my Fritos. Keep the esteem.
Okay Karla, you get Fritos as well. Next time you go to the drive in, tell them I said you could have one bag of delicious, feet-breath inducing Fritos on me. They know me at all the drive ins down there.
I too, hate when people call you at night and then ask "did I wake you?" But what I find really weird is that we always say "Oh no, you didn't wake me, I was up!" I'll admit that I'm a huge perpetrator of this particular lie. I hereby vow that the next time I get a "did I wake you" call, I will say "Yes, yes you did wake me, because I am a lazy shit."
You are one seriously funny, and perhaps a little disturbed, bloke. But even so, I am with you and with the other commenters in hating these, well, what should I call them? Honkers?
Cheers!
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