The Star Wars Thing:

So here I am, just returned from viewing Episode III, and I felt the need to thrust upon you my opinion of the film. I know opinions are like assholes and blah blah blah and can't we all just get along... Let's just say right now that the opinions expressed here are my own and if you disagree blah blah blah. Okay? Here we go:

Dissapointed.

Putting it down in text like that seems to help me come to grips with it. I wanted so badly to love this movie. I wanted so badly to love the first two prequels. I'm not going to go into full "basher" mode and trash those films either. No, they weren't that good. But both of them had moments and scenes that I genuinely liked. So did Episode III. There were a lot of things that Lucas got right. There was some beautiful eye candy. There were some character moments that were spot on. And he did manage to tie up the story in a tidy manner that leads naturaly into Episode IV, the original Star Wars. Lots of good stuff in this movie, and on the whole, 2 steps higher than the previous prequels.

But let's face it: 2 steps up from pretty damn low is still pretty damn low.

I know that better critics that me are going to pick apart (or praise) this movie, so I'm going to cut to the chase of what bothered me. It wasn't the few truly clunky bits of dialogue, and it wasn't the few embarasingly bad moments. They were pretty forehead-slapping bad, but they were outweighed by a lot of well-done bits. The part that really got to me was the pacing.

Episode III is one of the most poorly paced films I have ever seen. Even Episode I, possibly the worst movie Lucas has ever made, had a very logical and straightforward plot progression. You may not have liked it, but the movie had a flow. Most movies have a flow.

Episode III was like riding in a car with someone who is chewing the hell out of the clutch. Start stop start stop spurt spurt BRAKES... It starts out well enough, with the first 20-30 minutes whizzing by quite nicely, and then you hit this huge patch of exposition and the trouble starts. Not only does the film slow down considerably, but Lucas tries to compensate by throwing in these battles and chase scenes within all the tedium. I understand the impulse to bring the speed up a bit, but intstead of giving the pace a little boost, the effect is starts and stops. This movie lurches forward and then slams to a halt so many times that you actually start seeing double.

Before I seem too mean, I have to say that I think Lucas had a huge and unforgiving job ahead of him. He had an awful lot of story to cram into 2 and a half hours in order to get us where we needed to go. I know that's got to be a huge challenge, and as I said, in terms of wrapping up the story, he scored big. I loved the way this film ended. You could absolutely feel how it would just slide logicaly into the original 1977 film, and that's a big achievement. It's just that the ride to get to that place was so damned unpleasant.

I don't know... Star Wars will always occupy a special place in my heart. I grew up with Star Wars. I am the Star Wars Generation. And there are plenty of things to like about the prequels. They may not have been good movies, but they are significant movies. They pushed the envelope of digital technology in film in a major way. I think it is fair to say that they shaped the entire industry. Let's face it, love him or hate him, (and does anyone love him?) without Jar Jar Binks we probably would never have had Gollum.

And the prequels are enjoyable. Despite the fact that they are not good films, I enjoyed watching Episodes I and II. I loved the podrace. I loved Darth Maul. I loved seeing the Jedi get badass in Ep II and I loved seeing Yoda kick some ass. I loved how the clones are the precursors for the Stormtroopers and I loved watching palpatine become the Emperor. I loved a million things in both of those movies and I loved lots of things in this one too. The betrayal of the Jedi? Great. The final battle between Obi-Wan and Anakin? Awesome. The whole last 15 minutes of the film (excluding one horrible horrible someone should break Lucas' legs moment with Vader)? Perfect.

But now that the Star Wars tale is over, and the story is complete, I have to say I just don't feel like the journey was worth it. And after nearly 30 years, that's a terrible thing to feel.

My Very Own Neologism, And How You Can Help Make It A Reality.

Yeah I should be working right now, and just in case you are a client of mine, I'm going to start working on your job any second now. And it's going to be the best work I've ever done. And you're going to cry. Seriously. It's just going to be that good.

But first, I have something to share with you, my blog-buddies. I'd like to invite you to join me in my campaign to introduce a new word into common usage.

Let me explain:

As loyal readers of Fanfare From The Common Wombat (or FFTCW, as I'm sure it will be referred to one day in historical textbooks) know, I am a sweaty-palmed twitching junkie when it comes to the frothy delight known as the Starbucks Frappucino. It's Paul's fault. He introduced me to my first Frap a few years ago, and I'm pretty sure he did it just so he'd have some company on those frantic late night Frap-runs. (That's running to get the Frap, not the runs the Frap gives you later...) He was all sweet about it, "Here, try this... You'll like it... It's not that good for you..." Then there's a straw in your mouth and something cold and creamy sliding down your throat and wham you are hooked my friend, hooked like a...

Um... well, hooked like someone who likes frozen coffee drinks a little too much. But I think you get my point.

Now, in order for you to get behind the new word I'm introducing, you need to understand the mechanics of the Frap. There's a cup, and that cup is filled with delicious frozen beverage. Then on top of that beverage there is a mound of whipped cream. Usually there is some chocolate sauce drizzled on as well, but for the purposes of this discussion note the whipped cream! The whipped cream creates this little mountain rising above the rim of the cup and so the friendly folks at Starbucks enclose the whole thing in this clear plastic dome sort of thing with a wide straw-hole in the top.

To quote Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem, can you picture that? Now imagine that every most of the time, this clear plastic dome is large enough to cover the mound of whipped cream with room to spare. Imagine that usually there is even a small gap between the whipped cream and the top of the dome, where the straw-hole is.

Now, (here comes the important bit...) imagine that every now and then there is too much whipped cream.

Thanks to a particularly zealous or possibly just untrained barista, there is so much whipped cream that it completely fills the clear plastic dome, and a small column of the cream kind of jutts out the hole in top. It looks almost but not quite exactly like a whipped cream breast with a little perky whipped cream nipple.

That, my friends (I smell a new word coming on!!!) is the Whipple.

Now it may seem like I'm getting awfully worked up about this little pip of whipped cream, but you must understand that I've had maybe 150 Fraps in the past few years, and the Whipple only has happened a handful of times. What I noticed was that when is did happen, when I was handed my drink and I saw the stiff little column of cream poking up at me, I felt like I had just won a prize. Not an especially good prize, mind you, but maybe like finding a shiny quarter lying on the sidewalk. Part of you goes "Oh what a lucky boy am I!!!"

Okay, the part of you that says that is a huge nerd and hopeless loser, but let's embrace the moment, shall we? The Whipple is a happy occurrence. The Whipple is just a little but of good luck. The Whipple is a tiny ray of sunshine, or rolling a 7, or putting on your coat for the first time that winter and finding a buck in the pocket.

Help me, my friends. Help me spread the word about the Whipple. With your help, we can kick this word into the vocabulary of John Q. Public. And frankly, that would be just the sort of thing that would give me a thrill. Because...

Well, because I'm the kind of sad, pathetic loser who gets excited over a whipped cream nipple.