Lazy Fucker / Spidey-Sodomy / Bear Cock
If I had to list four things about myself, three of them would be the fact that I am incredibly lazy. I wouldn't even list the fourth thing. That's how lazy I am.
I am so lazy, in fact, that I can't even be arsed to muster a good excuse as to why I haven't blogged in two whole weeks. I'm sure I could lay out some twisted tale for you about how a sudden and previously unknown rectal malady had me laid up in the New Irving J. Rosenthal Anal-horror Wing of Johns Hopkins Hospital. (I'm sure you'd believe it too, because let's face it, at this point you're probably willing to believe just about anything I say about my butt. If I said my butt was issuing valid Macy's gift cards, you'd all line up to get one.)
Anyway, for those of you keeping score, I wasn't laid up in the hospital, nor was I overseas on some humanitarian mission to sew prosthetic bungholes on the poor assless children of Serbia. I was also not (as some rumors would have you believe) touring Europe with Night Ranger, Hiding out in the witness protection program prior to testifying in a high-stakes rubber-nipple racket trial, or fingering the Pope.
Okay, I fingered the Pope once.
Tell no one.
At any rate, I've heaved myself keyboard-ward this evening because I want you to know, as I stated above, That I am incredibly fucking lazy. Thank god typing in this blog only requires movement from the wrists down. All the parts of me located behind the wrists are actually sleeping right now. Sleeping, snoring and drooling.
...
Those three dots right there? I took a nap. Lazy!
I could continue describing my incredible laziness to you, but it would take too much effort. Instead I think I'll show you my all time favorite picture of Spiderman being anally sodomized. This comes from back when Paul and I both worked at Santa, Inc. together. Often, instead of helping to create wonderful holiday displays to delight the children of the world, we would do this instead:
No, I don't mean we would do the act depicted above... We'd never do that on company time... I mean that we'd spend hours (and I do mean hours) posing our action figures in obscene positions and taking pictures of them.
Man, if there ever was a sentence to get me into the Horrible Nerd Loser Hall Of Fame, it's that last one above. Jesus. Even I want to beat me up and steal my lunch money...
Anyway, I posted that picture partly because I think it's funny (Spidey looks so ashamed!!!), and party because I'm dying to know how many Google searches are going to end up at this blog now that I've typed the phrase "Anal-Rape Spidey" a few times. You just know ACW Google searches that exact phrase on a nightly basis...
Hmmm... Looking at that pic, it seems to me now that it's missing something... Here we go:
Feel free to spread that around the internet.
While I'm waxing nostalgic about my time at Santa, Inc., I'll relate one more brief story. We had a creative director there who I'll call "Mort." Mort was a nice dude, a born-again Christian who (while outspoken) was never ever pushy or preachy with his faith. He was usually upbeat and energetic, and he had a very positive outlook about his job. I liked Mort. He had the tendency that many high-enthusiasm people have to be a little irritating, but I always felt that he was well-intentioned.
One day we were doing a holiday presentation for the Celestial Seasonings Tea Company, and we were brainstorming different concepts for decorating their corporate headquarters. Mort's idea involved large teddy bears in PJs (the Celestial Seasonings packages always have art of teddy bears) hanging from the overhead with giant "tea-related" props. It was an okay idea, I guess, and things were going great until he brought out the drawing of the Honey-dripper bear.
To this day, he refuses to understand why we all fell on the floor laughing.
(waaaaait for it...)
Mort was so insistent that the display was not (let's just call it like we see it) a giant flying bear with a huge dripping dong, that he refused to change it and it went up at Celestial Seasonings just as you see it here. I can only imagine what people thought when they entered that huge atrium and looked around at the display we hung for them. Oh, the joy!!! Oh, the wonder!!!
Because nothing, my friends, nothing says "Merry Christmas" like a giant bear waving his cock at you.
I am so lazy, in fact, that I can't even be arsed to muster a good excuse as to why I haven't blogged in two whole weeks. I'm sure I could lay out some twisted tale for you about how a sudden and previously unknown rectal malady had me laid up in the New Irving J. Rosenthal Anal-horror Wing of Johns Hopkins Hospital. (I'm sure you'd believe it too, because let's face it, at this point you're probably willing to believe just about anything I say about my butt. If I said my butt was issuing valid Macy's gift cards, you'd all line up to get one.)
Anyway, for those of you keeping score, I wasn't laid up in the hospital, nor was I overseas on some humanitarian mission to sew prosthetic bungholes on the poor assless children of Serbia. I was also not (as some rumors would have you believe) touring Europe with Night Ranger, Hiding out in the witness protection program prior to testifying in a high-stakes rubber-nipple racket trial, or fingering the Pope.
Okay, I fingered the Pope once.
Tell no one.
At any rate, I've heaved myself keyboard-ward this evening because I want you to know, as I stated above, That I am incredibly fucking lazy. Thank god typing in this blog only requires movement from the wrists down. All the parts of me located behind the wrists are actually sleeping right now. Sleeping, snoring and drooling.
...
Those three dots right there? I took a nap. Lazy!
I could continue describing my incredible laziness to you, but it would take too much effort. Instead I think I'll show you my all time favorite picture of Spiderman being anally sodomized. This comes from back when Paul and I both worked at Santa, Inc. together. Often, instead of helping to create wonderful holiday displays to delight the children of the world, we would do this instead:
No, I don't mean we would do the act depicted above... We'd never do that on company time... I mean that we'd spend hours (and I do mean hours) posing our action figures in obscene positions and taking pictures of them.
Man, if there ever was a sentence to get me into the Horrible Nerd Loser Hall Of Fame, it's that last one above. Jesus. Even I want to beat me up and steal my lunch money...
Anyway, I posted that picture partly because I think it's funny (Spidey looks so ashamed!!!), and party because I'm dying to know how many Google searches are going to end up at this blog now that I've typed the phrase "Anal-Rape Spidey" a few times. You just know ACW Google searches that exact phrase on a nightly basis...
Hmmm... Looking at that pic, it seems to me now that it's missing something... Here we go:
Feel free to spread that around the internet.
While I'm waxing nostalgic about my time at Santa, Inc., I'll relate one more brief story. We had a creative director there who I'll call "Mort." Mort was a nice dude, a born-again Christian who (while outspoken) was never ever pushy or preachy with his faith. He was usually upbeat and energetic, and he had a very positive outlook about his job. I liked Mort. He had the tendency that many high-enthusiasm people have to be a little irritating, but I always felt that he was well-intentioned.
One day we were doing a holiday presentation for the Celestial Seasonings Tea Company, and we were brainstorming different concepts for decorating their corporate headquarters. Mort's idea involved large teddy bears in PJs (the Celestial Seasonings packages always have art of teddy bears) hanging from the overhead with giant "tea-related" props. It was an okay idea, I guess, and things were going great until he brought out the drawing of the Honey-dripper bear.
To this day, he refuses to understand why we all fell on the floor laughing.
(waaaaait for it...)
Mort was so insistent that the display was not (let's just call it like we see it) a giant flying bear with a huge dripping dong, that he refused to change it and it went up at Celestial Seasonings just as you see it here. I can only imagine what people thought when they entered that huge atrium and looked around at the display we hung for them. Oh, the joy!!! Oh, the wonder!!!
Because nothing, my friends, nothing says "Merry Christmas" like a giant bear waving his cock at you.
posted by CommonWombat at 12:53 AM
15 Comments:
i missed you.
and you're right.
i know i feel full up of the holiday spirit right now, just looking at the drawing.
(spidey does look ashamed. the green goblin looks angry. i bet he "forgot" the lube.)
I do NOT google "Anal-rape Spidey" on a daily basis.
It's actually "Butt-fuck that Spidey-ho"
You don't know just how accurate your Celestial Seasonings Tea ad was. My sister was living with the Canadian COO for that company - until she caught him having anomyous Dominant/Submissive sex with women he met on escort sites. Nice guy though.
Brings a whole new dimension to the concept of "Celestial Seasonings" don't it?
It doesn't surprise me in the slightest to discover that Spiderman is gay. He minces around in those skin tight leotards like he's in the Russian ballet. The only thing I'm surprised about is he's able to have sex without removing said leotard. There must be a drop hatch (or is it a cock hatch?) built into that sissy suit.
And if you're keeping track, "anal-horror wing" made me laugh out loud. Actually, whole first three paragraphs were good for audible chortles. The rest of the post, on the other hand, was deep and profound, and made me reconnect with the Lord. So thank you, Common Assman.
My poor, poor toys. In the old days when Wombat and I actually worked in the same building, I couldn't leave my desk for more than 5 minutes without coming back to find a plastic orgy. Sometimes with little foamcore word balloons.
Oh, and a giant bear waving his cock at me? That WOULD be a Merry Christmas.
:)
That spidey pic is awesome. Almost as awesome of that gay dancing Spider-man gif.
Speaking of lazy...
It's been over a week since you posted this, and I am JUST NOW reading it.
The Spidey "Owned" snap, reminds me of those recticulated dolls that Sue Johansen of "The Sunday Night Sex Show" uses to demonstrate positions. HYS-FREAKIN'-STERICAL!
The only way the phallic honeydripper could have been any more *perfect* would have been if there were droplets of honey oozing off it.
Love the tapestry of thought this evokes: The anal horror wing of John's Hopkins...
Di: Get used to it.
The crying, not the laughing.
I do a lot of crying when I visit this site.
You are a freaking RIOT.
Aren't you overdue for a post about how you haven't been posting but people are yelling at you to do so? Come on! You're letting me down.
New post please!
I will never look at my tea the same way again.
Freakin hilarious man. Freakin hilarious.
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