Now I know how you people feel.
So there I am, on the floor at this gigantic scene shop in Chicago. It's 8 am. I'm surrounded by huge pieces of the Santa set we're building, and I'm eating a granola bar I grabbed off the craft services table. There are about 35 people milling about, a mixture of gruff display-crew guys, arty designers and a few corporate big-wig types. Everyone is kind of still shaking the sleep off their faces, and trying to get up to speed to start our day of work. That's when it happens.
That's when this girl I hardly know totally grosses me right the fuck out.
I know, I know... All of you who are still dry-heaving a little over my last few feco-centric blog entries are probably thinking that karma has finally showed up, several hours late and reeking of alcohol, to give my ass a well-deserved kicking. And you'd be right. I suppose I do deserve a little taste of my own medicine, but here's the sort of "Glass-half-full" sort of dude I am: I'm going to turn this story around and share all the horror and misery with you fine people. Take that, Karma.
So the girl in question works for Santa, Inc, and has been there for maybe a year. I've run into her a few times, but until the big shindig out in Chicago, she and I had never really hung out. Just because it pisses the Big Guy off when I appropriate his reindeer names, let's call this girl Blitzen.
Anyway, Blitzen is the kind of girl who belches in public unashamedly and who has a potty mouth and seems to like putting it to use... in this respect she is kind of like a certain someone who will remain nameless, but who we will call "my beloved wife." In short, Blitzen is something of a kindred spirit, and I was glad for the opportunity to make her aquaintance in Chicago. She and Paul and I (have I ever mentioned here that Paul also works for Santa, Inc?) had a pretty good time hanging out and sort of quietly mocking those people around us who needed mocking.
So perhaps, given that I had recognized Blitzen as something of a fellow vulgarian, I should have been more prepared for what she said to me on the morning in question.
What she came up and said to me as I stood there munching my granola bar, and what I should mention she said completely nonchalantly, as if it was the most boring statement of fact, was this:
"I woke up with a turd in my mouth this morning."
"Um," I cleverly retorted, "uh, you HUH?"
"Yeah," she said, "a garlic-covered turd."
I probably said something back at this point. I probably said something along the lines of "you - what the fuck are you... HUH???" but I honestly can't remember because the waves of nausea completely blanked out my brain. A garlic covered turd. A garlic covered turd... in the mouth. Waking up to a garlic covered turd... in the mouth... A BLEURGHBLEUAH!!!!
(That's me typing the vomit noise, for those of you who are a little slow, or for those of you who are also stuck in a "picturing the garlic-turd" loop from which you, like me, will never ever escape.)
I get that by "I woke up with a garlic covered turd in my mouth," she meant "I had an awful taste in my mouth this morning." I totally get it. But she said it like it was a common expression. Is this something people say??? I know I'm the foulest human being alive and I should be strung up for some of the things I've said out loud, but do we really live in a world where people say this??? Is there a place out there where waking up with a garlic covered turd in your mouth is as common as waking up on the wrong side of the bed? Or raining cats and dogs? Have I been living in a cave? Did I miss the mouth-turd memo?
At any rate, I, the prize winning feco-phile and notorius foul-mouth am utterly and completely beaten. I quit. I'm done. I am a potty mouth no more. At last I have been on the receiving end, and I understand the pain I have caused. I am truly sorry and I promise never again to deliberately gross you fine people out.
Just kidding. I'll never stop. But seriously, Blitzen, nice job.
Off to Jacksonville in a few hours. Might get to blog a bit while I'm there. We shall see...
That's when this girl I hardly know totally grosses me right the fuck out.
I know, I know... All of you who are still dry-heaving a little over my last few feco-centric blog entries are probably thinking that karma has finally showed up, several hours late and reeking of alcohol, to give my ass a well-deserved kicking. And you'd be right. I suppose I do deserve a little taste of my own medicine, but here's the sort of "Glass-half-full" sort of dude I am: I'm going to turn this story around and share all the horror and misery with you fine people. Take that, Karma.
So the girl in question works for Santa, Inc, and has been there for maybe a year. I've run into her a few times, but until the big shindig out in Chicago, she and I had never really hung out. Just because it pisses the Big Guy off when I appropriate his reindeer names, let's call this girl Blitzen.
Anyway, Blitzen is the kind of girl who belches in public unashamedly and who has a potty mouth and seems to like putting it to use... in this respect she is kind of like a certain someone who will remain nameless, but who we will call "my beloved wife." In short, Blitzen is something of a kindred spirit, and I was glad for the opportunity to make her aquaintance in Chicago. She and Paul and I (have I ever mentioned here that Paul also works for Santa, Inc?) had a pretty good time hanging out and sort of quietly mocking those people around us who needed mocking.
So perhaps, given that I had recognized Blitzen as something of a fellow vulgarian, I should have been more prepared for what she said to me on the morning in question.
What she came up and said to me as I stood there munching my granola bar, and what I should mention she said completely nonchalantly, as if it was the most boring statement of fact, was this:
"I woke up with a turd in my mouth this morning."
"Um," I cleverly retorted, "uh, you HUH?"
"Yeah," she said, "a garlic-covered turd."
I probably said something back at this point. I probably said something along the lines of "you - what the fuck are you... HUH???" but I honestly can't remember because the waves of nausea completely blanked out my brain. A garlic covered turd. A garlic covered turd... in the mouth. Waking up to a garlic covered turd... in the mouth... A BLEURGHBLEUAH!!!!
(That's me typing the vomit noise, for those of you who are a little slow, or for those of you who are also stuck in a "picturing the garlic-turd" loop from which you, like me, will never ever escape.)
I get that by "I woke up with a garlic covered turd in my mouth," she meant "I had an awful taste in my mouth this morning." I totally get it. But she said it like it was a common expression. Is this something people say??? I know I'm the foulest human being alive and I should be strung up for some of the things I've said out loud, but do we really live in a world where people say this??? Is there a place out there where waking up with a garlic covered turd in your mouth is as common as waking up on the wrong side of the bed? Or raining cats and dogs? Have I been living in a cave? Did I miss the mouth-turd memo?
At any rate, I, the prize winning feco-phile and notorius foul-mouth am utterly and completely beaten. I quit. I'm done. I am a potty mouth no more. At last I have been on the receiving end, and I understand the pain I have caused. I am truly sorry and I promise never again to deliberately gross you fine people out.
Just kidding. I'll never stop. But seriously, Blitzen, nice job.
Off to Jacksonville in a few hours. Might get to blog a bit while I'm there. We shall see...
posted by CommonWombat at 10:18 PM
8 Comments:
Actually, I would say that you don't know how we feel since you decided to share that lovely story with us. :)
I read this a few hours ago, but I'm back to comment because what you wrote was just going through my mind. Grrrr. Thanks so much. ;)
I am soooooo glad I came here before breakfast! I might not be able to eat the rest of the day, but I could stand to lose a few anyway.
Maybe it wasn't a euphemism. Were her teeth brown?
i'm a little concerned for her. if i woke up with a garlic anything in my mouth i'm pretty sure i'd spit it out with out trying to discover its creamy turd center.
well you have been dishing out these kinds of sayings so here is another saying. if you live by the sword you will die by the sword.
Are you saying if I live by the turd, I'll die by the turd? Awesome.
Would it be worse if I said that I found a hobo using my mouth as toilet and he didn't even bother to wipe?
Wombat, you never cease to make me laugh. The thought of you being on the receiving end of a garlicy mouth-turd is enough to keep me in stiches until Jacksonville.
Will this Santa tour never end? You're making me angry at the holidays.
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